Federal Agents are notorious for their lack of humor in humorous situations. And granted there are certain times when humor is not called for. When the Secret Service has you prone and with a gun to your head after you just took a pot shot at the President is one such situation. But when you have an agency like the Transportation Security Administration which has made a joke of itself, I think humor is not only called for, but utterly mandatory when encountering agents who amount to glorified Mall Cops.
So with the Thanksgiving weekend upon us as you travel please consider the following twenty-five fun activities to partake of at security checkpoints when you travel. Please note however that doing any of the following items will probably not be well received by the TSA agents at any airport who are very gruff and not happy at all when they are made an even bigger joke than they already are. But hey, if you are feeling a little frisky, go for it and make sure that you have your video camera rolling when you do.
1) Wear a shirt saying, “I was sexually assaulted by the TSA and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!”
2) When asked to go through a full body scanner and have a naked picture of yourself taken, turn to the TSA agent watching over you and tell them that you would like one 8×10, two 5×7’s and a sheet of wallets.
3) Pretend there is someone standing next to you. Carry out a serious conversation with your imaginary friend the entire time you are in line. After the TSA agent makes you go through the full security procedure but fails to acknowledge your imaginary friend, start questioning why he (or she) is so special as to not warrant screening. Ask them seriously if it is because he (or she) is Muslim and they do not want to be accused of profiling.
4) Take a copy of your pocket Constitution out and while standing in line repeatedly read, in an assertive voice, the fourth and fourteenth amendments.
5) Pretend to be a schizophrenic with two distinct personalities; one conservative and one liberal. Start a fight with yourself about whether or not the latest enhanced security procedures constitute a violation of your rights. End with the liberal personality calling your conservative personality a, “homophobic, bigoted Islamophobe.”
6) Make sure to have one of those stereotypical porno soundtracks, the ones that sound like Boom Chickah Waaah Waaaaaaaah, loaded on your iPhone and play it any time you are selected for the enhanced pat down.
7) After passing through security, turn and shake the hand of the nearest TSA agent and in a pitying voice say, “Some people say that people ‘like you’ cannot function in society. But it is so good to see the federal government at least giving you a chance.”
8 ) If you have young children such as infants or not yet toilet trained toddlers, pack a diaper bag full of stinky, used diapers and insist that it be searched thoroughly by hand. Or, better yet, leave it unclaimed on the screening conveyor belt and just walk away. Eventually someone will have to look inside.
9) Following up on the diaper theme … wear an adult diaper yourself and use it as much as possible before passing through security. That should give the screener a nice surprise during the pat down!
10) Pretend, in a mime like fashion, that there is an invisible wall around the full body scanner you are directed to use. Then shrug your shoulders and wait patiently for the TSA agent to unlock the imaginary door.
11) Comment that the agents at the check point, “are not security professionals highly trained in the detection of terrorists … but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”
12) Ask to join the TSA’s Frequent Groping Program and ask how many points you earn for each frisk, what you can redeem them for and if there are any blackout dates.
13) Ask annoyingly pointless questions of every TSA agent that you see. Examples include, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?” “Do you know the way to San Jose?” and “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
14) Wear clothes that are several sizes too big and when you are put into a full body scanner start sinking to the ground crying, “I’m melting … mellllllting,” like the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz.
15) Any time a TSA agent asks you a question, respond by telling them, “That information is classified,” and indignantly tell them, “You are not cleared to be briefed on that.”
16) Stand before the check point and start calling out, “Ok, all you white, middle class Americans of European heritage, please proceed directly to the enhanced screening areas, remove all items from your pockets and prepared to be searched! All of you of Arabic or Persian origins, ESPECIALLY if you are Muslim, please proceed to the nearest speedy pass lane. No waiting! No enhanced scrutiny!”
17) Tell the TSA that as a proud member of the Tea Party Movement, and knowing how the government thinks persons as yourself are the real threats to American National Security, you insist on having the enhanced, enhanced, double grope pat down including full body cavity search with a twist.
18) Demand to see the credentials of every TSA agent you come into contact with and who wants to touch or view you or your luggage. Take five minutes to review fully each credential while nodding and saying, “Hmmmmm” a lot. Insistently question them about their activities up until you and they crossed paths. Ask questions like, “Has this badge been in your possession at all times?” and “So where are you off to today?”
19) While being patted down, constantly try to ask the TSA agent doing the frisking out on a date.
20) Present the TSA agent with a Get Out Of Jail Free card from the board game Monopoly and demand to be let through the check point unmolested.
21) Purchase one of those paper thin hospital gowns with the slit down the back and wear it instead of clothes to the airport when you plan to travel.
22) Arrive at the checkpoint wearing S&M paraphernalia. Vehemently refuse the full body scan and insist upon an “enhanced” pat down. Make the TSA agent wait while you put on your ball gag. After being frisked, angrily ask to speak to a supervisor. When he or she asks what the problem is, call out loudly, “You call that an ENHANCED pat down! I demand better!”
23) If chosen for an enhanced pat down and you are a man, when they try to have a man perform the pat down act indignant. Politely inform the TSA that you are a lesbian trapped in a man’s body and you demand to be frisked by the cutest female TSA agent to be found. If you are a woman, proclaim yourself a gay man trapped in a woman’s body and demand the sexiest TSA male agent that can be found pat you down.
24) Pretend to be Dustin Hoffman from the movie Rain Man. While rocking your body back and forth constantly mutter to yourself phrases like, “You’re an excellent screener,” “Uh oh, fifteen minutes to sexual assault,” and especially after being screened say, “Definitely feel violated, definitely, definitely violated.”
25) If you are traveling with a child, train them to ask loudly after going through an enhanced pat down procedure, “Mommy, didn’t the guards at the NAZI prison camps also just say that they were ‘following orders’?”
J.J. Jackson’s weekly articles can be found at Liberty Reborn and he is a contributor to several internet websites. He writes in the defense of individual liberty and limited government as the best way to secure the blessings of freedom for all people.